Commuting on, before or after Thanksgiving is possibly one of the worst experiences a human can endure – aside from childbirth or sitting in New York’s Penn Station overnight. Some call it “amateur night” on the roads of America, and they couldn’t be more spot-on. Wednesday, American Turkeyday Eve, is the #1 drinking night of the year – thanks to all the bros & sorority girls being home from school. Thanksgiving is hell, because everyone is full of Tryptophan and wine. The Friday after may be worse, since your mom needs to get over to Target and pop needs to hit up Best Buy for a Black Friday Flip HD he’ll never use. So, how do you survive these three daunting days of travel? Be thankful Automopedia is here to help with a (not so useful) Thanksgiving driver’s guide!

Wednesday, November 25th 2009 – Thanksgiving Eve

First off, anyone over the age of 23 should stay home tonight. This is an evening for underage liver-failure as friends, family and ex-hookups are back in town and looking to get wasted in preparation for spending one night with their family. Yes friends, it’s the Wednesday before Thanksgiving, the biggest bar night of the year. Experts say that 1,000,000,000 alcoholic beverages will be ingested over the course of several hours in America, (we know a few of ya have already begun) and with that a lot of fender benders (also sadly, some fatalities) are likely to occur behind the wheel. Draw straws and grab yourself a designated driver – you’re gonna need one.

Thursday, November 26th 2009 – American Thanksgiving

Your best bet commuting on Thanksgiving is to leave early. And when I say early I mean hit the road before 7 am if at all possible. Get a portable cooker and roast that bird in the trunk if you can. Some of the heaviest areas of congestion will occur in the Greater New York Area – as tourists (aka: people from New Jersey) will head into Manhattan for Macys’ Thanksgiving Day Parade. Expect delays lasting hours, but as long as you make it to Grandma’s for antipasto it’s ok. I hope Garfield doesn’t crush a light pole onto anyone this year.

Friday, November 27th 2009 – Black Friday

Alright; you’re full, the backseat is stuffed with leftovers, and you might have made out with you brother’s fiance last night – but it’s ok because family will forgive and by next year you’ll both forget. Now, off to the Black Friday sales! With the economy in such a shit position this 2009 holiday season I am not sure how intense the shoppers will be this year, but make sure to take extra time while cruising parking lots for a decent spot – actually just park far away and walk, you’ll save time. Whatever you do, be safe, come back next week to Automopedia…and get me a FlipHD, please?