Well kids, it looks like Congress is going to hand out a $15 Billion dollar bailout for the Big Three auto makers – Chrysler, Ford and The General themselves. It’s been a long time coming – no, not a final bailout plan. The decline of this country’s auto industry has been a strange brew in the making. It’s not the first government loan car makers have received, and it won’t be the last. Why do they need such funds? Because sales are down, drastically. Why are car sales so low? Is it because of the struggling economy? Partially. Is it because quality, long lasting automobiles are no longer produced by US companies? Probably. When the average consumer thinks quality car, they tend to wander towards Toyota, Honda, Nissan, etc. Few have visions of GM or Chrysler when it comes to solid cars.

In fact, American automobiles have been bashed and teased for decades, based on unreliability based on a few sparse makes and models. Even as “start up” car makers (Saturn, Hyundai, Kia) were once knocked for boring designs and poor material choices, now even those companies produce far superior products than a mere few years back. Is it too little too late? So we ask you what the lastreal quality, reliable and long lasting automobile to come with an American automotive label branded to it’s grill?

During the 1980′s, Chrysler built inexpensive yet widely popular vehicles (like the K-car and original minivans), which helped bring the five-star out of a serious depression. GM has many classics under their belt, including those 1950′s Bel Airs, Cadillacs and a wide ranger of muscle cars. And what ever happened to the solid-looking monster or an automobile, Ford’s Mustang? Is it possible for American auto makers to produce vehicles like those ever again?

Let’s face it – $15 Billion dollars spread across three monolithic American auto makers is like getting one keg for a campus wide toga party.

Yet, after two visits to our nation’s capital, it seems that Congress has realized the importance our automotive industry has on the country – especially during a recession. It is points during history such as these when new blue collar jobs are needed to help employ the middle class. At the same time auto makers need to get off their duff and fast forward the process of researching and developing green technology. 30 to 40 miles per gallon is a start – but those ranges should have been reached 10 or 15 years ago, instead of building massive SUV’s only Tony Soprano and OJ Simpson would drive. Alright, enough preaching – back to automotive news.

As of Monday morning stocks for all three auto makers are already on an incline, along with reports of each CEO leaving their position, restructuring of business, and government intervention are bringing spirits, as well as funds, into the green. Democratic representatives (finally) came into agreement, with some pressure by President Bush, to extend $15 Billion dollar loan to Chrysler, General Motors and Ford to help bail them out of financial troubles. The loan is expected to help each make it until March 2009 – after which President Obama and his correspondents will re-evaluate The Big Three’s progress. Each company could expect to see funds transfered to them within a matter of weeks.

According to Speaker Nancy Pelosi; “Congress will insist that any legislation include rigorous and ongoing oversight to guarantee that taxpayers are protected and that resources are directed to ensure the long-term viability and competitiveness of the American automobile industry.” Of course, with new legislation comes new new bureaucracy – because the only growing businesses in this economy are government and pornography. A fresh group of officials will be on hand to make sure these funds are used for their intended purposes.

What did the Big Three (General Motors, Chrysler and Ford) do after they flew expensive private jets to Washington DC, begged for a $25 billion bailout loan and were turned down? Each drove a hybrid car from their respective makes back to DC to beg for $34 billion in bailout loans. How is it these guys got to be heads of major automotive companies? According to a recent CNN poll, 61% of you are against bailing out these car makers, stating the mismanaging of funds pretty much caused their businesses to come crashing down around them, leaving both white and blue collar works in its wake. So, if Congress handed you a $34 Billion dollar paycheck, what could you do with it?

Purchase A Small Island

There are small islands for sale all over the world, and like time shares you too can own one, or two, and build a summer home on each. According to Private Islands Online, you can put down as little as $215,000 for some small land masses off North American shores. With $34B you can purchase 158,000 island, but you should probably save a little cash left for a boat to go buy food.

Get A Ticket On A Space Flight

Space tourism is a new industry, but soon enough anyone will be able to purchase a ticket to ride around Earth and maybe to other planets. Celebrities and business moguls are spending anywhere from 1 to 5 million a ticket on such flights. If you’d rather invest, throw some of those billions at NASA – they need a bailout as badly as car companies.

Hire Movie Stars To Perform In Your Mansion

You’ve got the island, a huge house, and a ticket to Mars for next year. So what’s up in the mean time to cure your boredom? Hire Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie to recreate action scenes from Mr. & Mrs. Smith in the living room! You can have Seinfeld reenact their series finale, just don’t talk over Kramer’s lines, Michael Richards doesn’t respond well to hecklers.

Dude, You’re Getting Your Own Large Hadron Collider

Yeah dude, you too can have a personal atom smasher to help bring in the end of days! With a price tag over $6 billion (plus repairs estimated at $21 billion) you’ll have enough left over to hire a group of henchmen to battle whatever superheroes attempt to destroy it before you make Gotham City crumble at your feet.

Recreate Jurassic Park In Your Back Yard

It’s a common belief in the scientific world that Raptors and T-rex’s would not make great household pets. But since we haven’t seen how they react in present day, whose to say they wouldn’t? What better animal around to protect your kids from strangers than a violent, blood thirst, 500lb lizard/bird hybrid. The research on DNA recombination has already been done – all you have to do is fund your own dinosaur petting zoo!

Purchase Guantanamo Bay And Imprison The Big Three CEO’s

They mismanaged millions upon millions of dollars for years, have laid off thousands of blue and now even white collar workers, and continue to produce eco-unfriendly and poorly made products. Now they want free money to (probably) mismanage again. How about we re-stack the deck with new executives, and send the old CEO’s some place where there is plenty of time to think things over.