Get Out of 10 Worst Case Car Scenarios
Driving can get pretty aggravating sometimes. Every once in a while you’re faced with a situation, whether it be a mob hit and run or meeting with some of the Deliverance characters, and you may not know how to handle it. Luckily, Automopedia Quality of Life experts are here to help you deal with some of the worst car scenarios we’ve recorded.
1) What To Do When Your Car is Hijacked
Late one night you are listening to some TuPac, have a little bit of liquid courage and decide to take a shortcut through the shadiest part of town. You stop at a light and suddenly an armed crackhead is opening your passenger door telling you not to move your skinny suburb ass. So what do you do?
- First off this situation could have been altogether avoided. When driving through a dangerous part of town at nighttime your best bet is to slowly roll through a red light or stop sign. Even better, completely avoid these areas late night. At the very least lock your doors and close your windows.
- Now that you are being held at gunpoint your only objective is to survive.
- Stay calm and do exactly as the hijacker says. Resisting or trying to injure the hijacker by slamming on your brakes will only increase the chances of them becoming violent. Any surprises, such as screaming or driving out of control will only make the carjacker nervous.
- If the hijacker ask for your money or vehicle give it to them, they are replaceable.
- Do not make eye contact with the hijacker, they make think you are trying to remember their identity.
- Keep your hands in view so that the robber does not think you are reaching for your taser or glock.
- Be Honest. Tell the carjacker if you have weapons in the car or if there are any alarms that might go off.
- If the carjacker tells you to exit the vehicle or lay down do exactly as they say. Lay down until the carjacker is completely out of sight, then get help.
2) What To Do If Your Car is Hanging Over A Cliff?
Ok, you’ve just ended an intense car chase with the henchmen of a mad scientist because they want the secret life creation formula you have in your trunk. Unfortunately for you this chase stopped with your ride half-hanging off a cliff, with a drop that would scare the pants off of The Coyote. Is this curtains for you?
- Not if you adjust your weight properly, imagine being on a see-saw by yourself, sliding from one end to another in an attempt to keep level. Shifting your weight towards the back of the car (or front, depending on which end is hanging over the rocks) can help stabilize your situation.
- Not enough to knock your car fully on the ground? Try taking anything in the front seat, or even the glove compartment, and throwing it in the backseat, along with yourself.
- Don’t, if you can help it, stay in the car. Try kicking out the back window, though it’s probably going to take more time, unless you’re a kick boxer. Or, since you were just in a car chase scene and probably have one on you, take out your gun, shoot out the back window and hop out that thing before it goes over! Oh wait, what about the secret formula?
3) What to do if your car is underwater
At one point your day took a bad turn, along with your vehicle. While cruising along you noticed an attractive member of the opposite sex walking down the street. Your eyes wandered for a moment when suddenly your ride was up in the air plunging into a lake or other large body or water. What next?!
- First off, don’t panic. Take deep breaths and try to fill your lungs with as much air as you can. In this situation water is pressing against the doors, so unless your windows are open you’ll have a hard time evacuating. In this case it’s actually better to let your interior fill with water. Once you’re submerged try opening the doors, as the water pressure will be much less. It won’t be easy but you should be able to make your way out.
- But what if you want to save your ride? Lucky for you we recently learned from the motion picture Transporter 3 you can save your sinking vehicle. Simply use the air from your tires to fill two large bags and they will float you to safety. You can also (apparently) breath in that same air from those Good Years for a few extra gasps. Hey, if it works for Jason Statham why not for you?
4) What to do if your accelerator sticks
That little voice in the back of your head told you not to race the guy in the brand new Nissan GT-R, but you had an unrealistic feeling your 1993 Ford Escort Wagon could outflank him. Too bad the car is now zooming towards oncoming traffic at 80+ MPH and the accelerator is stuck to the floor. Lucky for you there are options.
- Find a grassy incline. Look, you’re in a Ford, if you get your vehicle onto a mushy enough hill or sharp incline this whole incident will come to an end, or at least allow you to jump out.
- Pull Stupid! A combination of jamming on the brakes and pulling, or even shifting may be the answer to release that pesky gas peddle.
- Stop your car, Flintstones style. WARNING: This procedure should not be performed by anyone driving with flip-flops on. Stick those paws out your door and hope your tootsies don’t get sliced off.
- If all else fails, and your airbag is operational, there’s always a tree or wall to help you stop. Or you can rely on the old action movie tuck and roll – works for Bruce Willis.
5) What to do if you are lost in the ghetto
You and your pals decide to go for a joyride through beautiful downtown Detroit – too bad it’s so cold in the D and your 1988 Ford Taurus just stalled. Suddenly, some of the locals come out to see what all this fuss is about – and your white bread suburban buddies are shaking like leaves in a tornado. So what do you do?
- Don’t be racist. Just because a bunch of people in the ghetto are coming towards your car doesn’t make them criminals. They may be actually trying to help – you close minded freak.
- Don’t try to be all ghetto yourself. Stop embarrassing yourself by turning your cap sideways and sagging your pants, that won’t help matters. Talking like an Eminem video isn’t such a hot idea either.
- Don’t make eye contact. If we’ve learned anything form New Yorkers, or from the car jacking tips above, the last thing you want to do while walking around any urban area is make direct eye contact with another living being. Eyes to the ground and head towards the closest auto club.
6) What to do if road kill comes back to life
Billy Bob, Jimmy Jones and Bobbie Joe Lee had a successful hunting trip into the Western Pennsylvania woods. No, they didn’t catch a big buck or wild bear, but Billy slammed into a good sized deer with his Dodge Ram and they decided not to let good meat go to waste, so in the back it goes. Sadly, no one decided to see if the animal was completely dead, and it’s now breaking its way through the rear window with bloodshot eyes.
- Don’t shoot! Let’s face it, you’ll just end up shooting one of your buddies in the head in such an enclosed space.
- Vulcan neck pinch. Deer and other animals have long necks, find a soft spot and choke that bitch out.
- Stop the truck and run! Haven’t you ever see When Animals Attack? That fucker is PISSED and it’s coming for you, antlers sharpened and ready to spear your raw hide like a bull seeing red.
7) What to do if you pick up a psychotic hitchhiker
He seemed like a kind gentleman, and you didn’t question the butcher knife and red gunk running up his arm. That was probably your first mistake. His favorite pass times include torturing small kittens and babies. He starts flipping a quarter and tells you to pick heads or tails. Should you answer?
- Doesn’t matter, first off he is going to kill you no matter what. Just hope he doesn’t drive, he’ll have to keep you breathing long enough to get to a populated area.
- Psych him out. If he can play crazy so can you. Tell him how you enjoy putting on your mother’s old house dresses and running through the neighbor’s yard with their dog’s head tied to your arm with a pink jump rope. Who knows, maybe you’ll find common ground and even become friends.
- Start playing that “Psycho Killer” song and sing along to the “Fa-Fa-Fa-Fa-Fa-Fa-Fa-Fa-Fa-Fa” part, on repeat. That will hopefully make him leap from the car before he has a chance to lob your scalp off.
8 ) What to do if your car is on E in the middle of nowhere
Driving through the beautiful woods of New England can be an awe-inspiring experience. Vermont in particular has some beautiful shrubbery. You were so distracted by the scenery that you never stopped to look at your instrument panel, and now your car is rolling to a stop after driving on fumes for 20+ miles. It’s getting dark, and even though you’re far above the Mason-Dixon line, rural areas of the US are as scary and hillbilly as any other in the dark. Do those wolf howls and bear growls sound like they’re getting closer?
- Don’t panic. Those wolves and bears, hopefully, want nothing to do with you, probably. If you’re really scared, stay in your car until someone comes by, or at least until morning. If Yogi comes knocking at your window, run out the other end and climb up a tree. Bears can’t climb trees…right?
- Remember, now is not the time to go hunting. You’ll end up in some weird Deliverance “squeal like a pig” scenario.
- Stick to the main roads. If you’re going to wander towards the nearest town or gas station stick to the road you were originally on, or the closest, well lit, crazy-hillbilly-less thruway.
9) What to do if your pulled over with a body in the trunk
Jimmy Two-Times said something bad, twice, to your face. So you did what any honest, hard working Italian from Northern New Jersey would do – you put a .38 to his head and now what remains is in your Caddy’s trunk. We don’t fault you for it, but the cop who just pulled you over for blowing through a stop sign, who also just noticed some red smudge on your rear bumper, may not be so understanding.
- Explain to him that your friends, Billy Bob, Jimmy Jones and Bobbie Joe Lee, were all involved in an accident with an animal, and they are a few miles back caring for the creature while you speed to the closest veterinarian clinic.
- Pull an “oopsy” as you drop a wad of $1000 bills by his feet, then ask “is there a problem officer?”
- Tell him you pay taxes, which pay his salary, and that you give to the Police Athletic League fund, and that your brother is a cop in Newark, and that he better bug off. That should go over well.
- Whatever you do stay cool and don’t, under and circumstances, shoot the cop. It’s crowded enough in that trunk.
10) What to do if a girl wants it in your sports car
You just had your new sports car detailed and some hottie likes how you look driving around in it. In fact, she likes how YOU look in general. And this one is ready for action. But your respect of a gorgeous Italian Automobile may outweigh your eternal quest for poon. So how can you have your cake & eat it too (no pun intended)?
- Think…not with the head downstairs either. Let’s face it, how many more beautiful women are you going to meet again – and how many other nice cars are you going to own?
- How hot is she? I mean, is she really worth ruining the finish?
- Can she stretch? Sports cars don’t normally have the required space to get it on with anyone other than a world class gymnast or contortionist.
- Be careful not to back up on the shifter…unless you like that sort of thing. We won’t judge.
This was amazingly hilarious.
Thanks for starting my day with laughs.