Sign Up For The 2012 Automotive Olympic Games
Attention gear heads, tailgater’s, NASCAR fans, gangsters, hustlers, soccer moms and middle aged men with Hummer H3s. We are pleased to announce that the 2012 Automotive Olympics will take place in Knockemstiff, Ohio on the solar eclipse of November 13, 2012 and possibly the last day of civilization. We are currently taking applicants in the comments area below. The events are as follows:
Ghost Ride The Whip Competition
This event traces its roots to the Bay Area’s Hyphy culture. Ghost Riding the Whip or “Going Swayze” begins by putting a moving car in idle or leaving it in drive while moving. Competitors exit the moving vehicle where they perform a dance routine beside, on the roof and hood of the automobile . This event also features a partners competition where drivers and passenger perform a synchronized routine. Participants are judged on their ability to “go dumb”, distance, speed and ability to stay in sync. Competitors will be judged by E-40, Mistah F.A.B and Patrick Swayze.
Hugh DeMann - Winner of the 2008 Ghost Ride The Whip World Championship. #1 seated in the 2012 games, first known person to perform “The Worm” while “going dumb” on the hood.
The Shriner Car 500
Participants get behind the wheel of a a mini Shriner car in this event of speed and endurance. The event begins with racers following a Power Wheels chase car. Racers travel around a 50 foot wide track for 500 intense laps reaching top speeds of 15 mph. Throwing up results in immediate disqualification as it makes the track slick and has been used as a way to take out other drivers. Each driver is allowed to have a one man pit crew to provide quick car repairs, cold beers and moral support.
Cole “Papa Smurf” Kutz - lap 43 at the 2005 Shriner 100. This O G and former pimp is expected to lead the pack at the 2012 Automotive Olympics.
Low Rider Gymnastics
Competitors in this event drive lowered cars equipped with hydraulic lift kits and compete in a freestyle bounce off. Drivers have two minutes to break it down in their low riders to the music of their choice. Participants are judged on originality and grace of their hydraulic performance. Bonus points are awarded to performers that can sip a 40 without spilling a drop. A second event is the Low Rider High Jump where participants are judged on how high they can make their low rider bounce.
Jimmy Herlocker - 2004 High Jump Champion and tubesock foot model.
High Speed Car Chase
The high speed car chase takes place in an urban street course outside of a bank. Get behind the wheel of a fake janitorial services van and put the pedal to the floor. All drivers are required to where black ski mask as they are chased by stunt doubles from the “Fast and Furious” movie series. While navigating this 10 mile course drivers must be aware of obstacles such as dudes carrying glass windows, traffic jams, families of ducks crossing the street and random fruit carts. Bonus time is deducted to drivers who successfully nose dive off various jumps including tow truck ramps and construction platforms. Best time wins.
OJ Simpson offers some last minute advice to 2012 Olympic hopeful, Milo Minute.
DUI Obstacle Course
Automopedia does not support drunk driving, but in this controlled event racers begin at a local dive bar owned by a guy named Tricky Nick. After 10 shots of Cuervo and a bowl of two month cocktail nuts drivers must stumble to their 1988 Chrysler LeBaron with Lindsay Lohan and successfully locate the keys in their stone washed jean pockets. On a controlled race course drivers must successfully stop for red lights, stop signs, avoid guardrails and properly use their blinkers. In order to cross the finish line participants must walk a twenty foot yellow line while reciting the alphabet backwards, in Spanish, with a Scottish accent.
Al Kaholic, up at 7:00 am to train for the 2012 Games with a 12,000 empty calorie diet. As you can see by his hands, Al expects to win 1st and 2nd place in 2012.
Grand Theft Auto
America’s top thief’s dominate this event of skill and precision. Athletes must break into a vehicle the fastest in order to win the golden tire in this competition. Each car is armed with an anti theft system, the infamous “The Club” and a pit bull in heat. Participants are given the following items to aid them in their break in attempt: watermelon chewing gum, duct tape, coat hanger, paper clip and package of bologna. The athlete that breaks in the fastest time is the winner and also qualifies for the High Speed Car Chase competition.
Hedda Hare practices for the games at his North Dakota hideout.
“I’m Going to Pull This Car Over” Endurance Challenge
In this soccer mom dominated event drivers ride in a 1986 Chrysler Town & Country station wagon complete with wood paneling. In the back seat are three of the most annoying kids hand picked from elementary schools across the country. Each child has been on a week long diet of Pixie Sticks, Kool Aid and Fruit Rollups and worked into a sugar high frenzy. In this timed endurance event drivers must travel a stretch of road populated with Chuck E Cheeses, McDonald’s, amusement parks, petting zoos and the world’s longest Slip and Slide. Upon each child’s request of “Are we there yet?” drivers must respond that it is going to be another long and slow hour. Once the driver has threatened to pull the car over three times the event is over.
Soccer Mom and Maxim’s 2006 Milf of the Year, Ivanna B. Badd, is expected to at least take the silver tire at the 2012 Automotive Olympics.
Clown Car Cram Off - Standard and XXL Series
How many people can you fit in a Cooper Mini? Athletes must fit as many members of their team into the Mini within two minutes and successfully close all the doors. Bonuses are awarded for every 10 minutes they can remain in the car. Most participants have a background in yoga, contortion and stupid human tricks. For the Big Gulp, couch surfing athlete, their will be an XXL event where participants will need to cram into a Hummer.
“Team Sip-E-Cup” has been training since birth and hopes to use height to their advantage. They recently began smoking cigarettes in an effort to stunt their growth for the 2012 games.
Chicken – Footloose Style
In this Kevin Bacon inspired event participants face off on a 1 mile strip of country road. While driving John Deere tractors racers must floor their vehicles towards one another while blasting the Footloose theme song. The first driver to swerve out of the lane looses. The winner of this event will also be featured in a movie with Kevin Bacon and the world will be one step closer to narrowing the “six degrees of Kevin Bacon” down to five.
Biff Wellington in the drink after being forced off the road in a 2003 defeat. He is confident that 2012 will be his comeback year.
Ship’s Mast
This relatively new sport was inspired by Quentin Tarantino’s Death Proof. The event consist of a driver and a “first mate”. Prior to the event athletes must attach a belt to each of the cars to front doors. The driver must accelerate the car to a minimum of 55 miles before the first mate climbs out the window of the car and grab two belts. The timer starts when the first mate is on top of the hood on his or her back, secured by a belt in each hand. Teams must then navigate back country roads while maintaining the minimum speed requirement. Time bonuses are awarded for being extra hot and driving way too fast.
To express you intent to compete in the 2009 Automotive Olympics, holler in the comments section below.
I need to be in the team for 2012 olympics playing for basketball.